I'm still working on my masterpiece...
I had mixed feelings about our performance at the trial this past weekend, but heard something today that put everything back into perspective. The mixed feelings, it's the pressure I unintentially put on myself to qualify for ITT with the fast approaching deadline... I don't handle pressure that well, I know this and make a concerted effort to put aside anything that could cause pressure. We don't try to run to impress, or with a priority of Qing or MACHing, and we're not afraid to get out there and try something completely insane and risky if I truly believe it can offer us the best we could possibly give. And while I need those Qs I can't settle for any less than to put it all on the line when running those courses with my best girls.
Friday was incredible, Tess went 4 for 4 with only a few tiny faults in ISC Std and we've never been so consistent, so connected and still so competitive before. We were a team to be reckoned with, with a level of trust in one another I had yet to find with her. The results of our hard work, patience and steady improvement showing itself at a trial. And then the following day we had one little thing each run, a run-out in Jww and a teeter fault in Std. Things happen, we'd get it the next day. Then Sunday came along and no matter how much focus I gave to supporting Tess and being clear in my communication I just couldn't do well enough to gain those few Qs. Again we had little faults- bars in Jww, another teeter fault in Std and pulling off a jump in ISC Jww. For being so consistent on Friday I left the weekend feeling a shade incompetent and dissapointed in myself. Not able to even earn local Qs what place do I have trying to attend ITT with the best in the nation? And the amount of support and compliments from fellow competitors and friends and family over the weekend was more than I could have asked for. They didn't care if we took a bar, they simply saw the greatness in our runs and teamwork and celebrated for us. They're the best and I'm so blessed to know them. No, the dissapointment and pressure I was feeling was completely caused by my own self. What will I do if I can't even meet my own expectations? Well, I've slowly been coming to terms with our weekend and realizing our own greatness within each of those runs, but it's been difficult to deface the disappointment still. My girls are amazing and I'm blessed to even be able to run with them. And when giving your all, faults are more likely to happen. That's just part of the amazing challenge this sport offers and the thing that makes me love it so much. But then today I heard this and things became instantly clear again. I'm battling my own gremlins, but they aren't going to be offered a place to stay on this journey of ours.
"I still fall on my face sometimes
And I can't colour inside the lines'
Cause I'm perfectly incomplete
I'm still working on my masterpiece
And I wanna hang with the greats
Got a way to go, but it's worth the wait
No, you haven't seen the best of me
I'm still working on my masterpiece"
Reminding myself, "you haven't seen the best of me. I'm still working on my masterpiece." You're not incompetent, you're just still being shaped into the masterpiece you will become. This is only the beginning of your journey and what I journey it has been and will continue to be
